Change of Focus
I had so many interesting things I wanted to write about this week. However, the only thing I can think about at the moment is my little angel sleeping next to me. It’s so strange. I had so many thoughts about interesting blog topics…but then when I sit down to write them, everything fades away. And all I’m left with is the constant thought of her. Maybe it’s because I am slightly anxious that at any moment she may wake, and then I will have to click “Move to Trash” on this blog, as I have with so many other entries this month. I used to save my drafts…but that made my website’s homepage a wreck, so I decided it’s either “Publish” or “Trash” with no in-between.
Baby Zoey is about 4 1/2 months old now. She has grown so much in these past months…it’s unbelievable. The whole process of growing a human being is pretty amazing in itself. I remember very clearly the feelings that overwhelmed me that first week with her. I had seen her on ultrasounds almost every week as she developed – it wasn’t like I didn’t know there was a baby inside me. I could feel her kicking me, responding to my music and the music my students played on the piano. I was fully aware that there was a little person growing inside of me. But it wasn’t until she came out that this feeling of “oh wow” took over. I mean…inside my body, there was only me…and then from one of my eggs and her daddy’s “seed”…another whole human being was formed! That is SO cool!
I have a newfound respect for my body now. Before this experience, I spent more time cursing my body for not being perfect than admiring all of the cool things it does without my conscious mind ever controlling it. My body formed this little human being…this perfect little person. My body knew when she was ready to be born, and began the process of labor to bring her out of the womb. And even when I thought “I don’t think I can do this” in the middle of it all…my body proved me wrong. It was nothing special that my brain did. Usually, my mind is the stronger of the forces…I’m a musician, a songwriter, an artist. Not an athlete. I like to work with my mind and my hands, and the rest of my body is usually just there to provide a base for clothing and to transport my mind from one place to another. But…this time, my body showed me that it is of use too…and the stuff it can do far outweighs my brain’s ability to make my fingers play diminished 7th chords in 2nd inversions. The birth of Zoey was like a spiritual awakening and realization of just how amazing and precious life is. I’m not saying that every person on earth’s sole purpose for being here is to bring another person into the world. But at this moment, being Zoey’s mother is the most defining characteristic about me.
And so, it seems funny now that I have written so much music about tragic love, partying, heartbreak and cat fights with girlfriends. I don’t regret those 200+ songs that all seem to fall into one of those categories. They tell a story of where I’ve been, like a photograph in time. And oddly, as soon as that first album was completed, a new chapter of my life had begun – a chapter that included this new little character, Zoey.
It seems that many of my songs now are about and for her. I haven’t been writing as many songs now – probably 1 or 2 a week – but the feeling is so different to write songs about where I am at right now rather than where I have been. I treasure my old songs, and I believe in their quality. I worked hard arranging instrument parts and revising the lyrics over and over again, and I feel excited about presenting them to the world because they are my best songs thus far. But these new songs, they are something from deeper in my heart. A place where the lyrics need no revision, and I don’t need layers and layers of instruments to show any technical mastery. Most of them I “wrote” in my head while caring for Zoey. They have become our everyday songs that I sing to her while we are playing/eating/bathing etc.
As I said…I have so many interesting things to write…but for now, this little one is the most important of all.